I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
