I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
