I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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