do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
