i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
