yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
