Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
