for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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