The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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