Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
