All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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