My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
