dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
