the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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