i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
