I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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