I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
