The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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