walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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