I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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