doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
