I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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