I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
