I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
