seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I want her autograph on my taint
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
