Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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