Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
