Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
