The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
