Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
