I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
