I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
