Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
