I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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