evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
