Fuck appropriateness.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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