Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
50% drunk capacity currently
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
