Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
