there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
