After last night, I could never be a politician.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
