make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
