how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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