I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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