at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this just has baby written all over it
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
