I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
