He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
