I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
