it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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