so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
