people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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