if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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