Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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