I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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