He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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