Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize