i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
