We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
