so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
