I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I will pee on everything he values.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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