he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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