Whod you bang
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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